Friday, March 31, 2006

Ponderings ....

I have been reading a few blogs that are written by women who are undergoing various stages of treatments, to try to conceive. It is heartbreaking...

I have been pregnant several times, and miscarried each time. Getting pregnant did not seem to be the issue for me, it was staying that way that was the problem. The first few times I got pregnant, I was on the pill. I did not know I was pregnant, and the miscarriages, once they had occured, did not surprise me. However, it WAS a shock to look back and know that I was pregnant, and had no idea. Todd and I did not want children. I always thought myself to be FAR too selfish to ever have kids. I like to get up and go whenever I want. I like to sleep in if I want to. I like it that I do not have to drag a kid around everywhere with me, or find a babysitter before I can go and do something. I liked the thought of not having that kind of responsibility, because lets face it, if you have children, you have the single most BIGGEST responsiblity you will ever have. The thought of being responsible for another human being scared the hell out of me.

Every one always told me how natural I seemed around kids, how at ease I was. Well, I love the little buggers to be honest, as long as they belonged to someone else!! I LOVE babies, and I love the innocence of young children. I love getting down and icky in mud pies, or dressing up Barbie for her big date. I LOVE the imagination of children, and the world of 'Let's Pretend!', I still have coloring books and crayons, for craps sake!! (** note to self ** FIND said coloring books and crayons!!)

Anyway, I am getting off track... When Todd and I got married, we started to feel like something was missing. We started talking about MAYBE having kids. I mean, we are not getting any younger, you know? Well, for the first time ever, I became aware of my ol' biological clock. That sucker wasn't just ringing, it was screaming at me to get moving. I promptly went off the pill, and made an appointment with my OB. I NEEDED to get some of this weight off FIRST. I had been eating right and exercising for quite some time and was not losing anything. She ran some bloodwork, and diagnosed me with PCOS. My hormones were all out of whack and my thyroid was not functioning right. I needed to go on meds. Ok fine. These meds were supposed to kick start my parts that were not playing nice and enable me to lose weight. Great!

Now, this was all new to me. I had never even heard of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), and it struck me with immediate fear that after all these years of NOT wanting kids, now that I really wanted one, I would not be able to have any....

What an awful, awful feeling.

I learned as much as I could about PCOS, and learned that I was one of the lucky ones, as my PCOS was very mild. My OB did not see any reason why I would not be able to get pregnant in the future. Whew! GREAT!

Not so much. The pills she put me on made me violently ill. I had to stop taking them. So we discussed pregnancy while being overweight. While she did not recommend it, fat people have babies all the time. She said we would just have to be careful, I would be closely monitored and I would have to limit my weight gain. Fine.)

So, fast forward almost 2 years and 3 miscarriages later...(one year of NO pregnancies at all, and then 3 m/cs in one year)

Those miscarriages cut deep. I wondered what I was doing wrong. I wondered if this is just how it was going to be. I started seeing a fertility doctor. I wanted to know what was wrong. He told me, based on some simple bloodwork, that I was not ovulating, hence no pregnancies. He then talked of all these things that I knew nothing about and it was all quite, well, scary....

I had a lot of bloodwork done. I do not like seeing that much blood, OUTSIDE of my body, thankyouverymuch. They took 10 vials at one sitting. Oy. TEN. !!
At my last appointment, he told me that I had to come in for more bloodwork two more times. Once when I had my period and once when I did not have my period, then we would schedule an HSG test, and go from there. He talked about doing Clomid..and everything after that I did not really hear.

I was going down a road that I had said I would never go down. I had said to myself many times that if I could not get pregnant and stay pregnant on my own, then that would be it. I would not go through all this other stuff. I think most of it was just a fear of the unknown. I still, to this day, do not know much about infertility treatments. I would have learned as much as I could, had I not gotten pregnant, on my own, RIGHT before my HSG test was scheduled.

Upon reading some of the stories that these women have to share, I realize that I am not just one of the lucky ones. It goes way, WAY beyond that.

I am not that strong. Not like some of these gals. There is no way I could have gone through what they are going through. At least I don't think I could have. And it isn't for lack of wanting a child either. That is just one emotional rollercoaster that I am not sure I would survive. I think it takes a special kind of person to go through all of that.

My heart aches for these women. And it makes me appreciate this pregnancy all that much more. Headaches, being sick, and 'roids are such a small price to pay.

If we do indeed go on to something more after this life, these women, they are in for something big. They have to takes a special soul to endure what they endure.


I am going to do my best to never EVER take this child for granted. Now that I know she is a she, and when I talk to her, I can call her by her name, it is even more overwhelming...Todd says goodnight to Maya every night, while rubbing my belly...and I want to explode. The love I already feel for her is much more than I ever thought it could be...

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Yep. It's a girl!

I knew it! A girl.

I am going to have a daughter. eek.
We have chosen to name her Maya Noel...

Our ultrasound today was soo amazing. We got to see just about every inch of her. We saw all 4 of her heart chambers working as they should, she had a full bladder (as did her momma. Oy) and we saw her stomach and her brain and her little hands and feets...


I am so glad to be able to refer to her by name now, instead of 'it'.

So, say hello to Maya!!

Bring on the pink....

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Week 20

The halfway mark. *gulp*

Crazy, really.

I am having issues with my blood pressure. It is too low. I have been getting headaches almost every day. Tension headaches. I am not sure why I am getting them as I have like ZERO tension in my life right now. Sometimes they go away with ease, other times, like last night, they go on and on for hours and nothing helps. I started to get the headache yesterday around 4 p.m. At 3:30 this morning, it started to subside. I was in bed at 7:30 last night, with my head packed in ice. I slept in hour and a half increments. Each time I would wake up, I would go get a new ice pack and a glass of fresh water, which I would promptly gulp down.

I wonder if I was dehydrated? Today, (knock on wood) I feel good. I cleaned house and got the laundry done, clipped coupons, and spent sometime outside in the fresh air. Oh and I took a nap. It has been a good day over all...

I feel the baby moving around in there, but not kicking or anything. It feels like it is doing flips. It is such a weird feeling!

I cannot believe I am halfway there!! We have an ultrasound on Wednesday. I sure hope we can find out the sex at this one! The suspense is making me crazy!!

I will be sure to post an update on Wednesday!!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Weeks 18 & 19

Nothing much to report! I am feeling pretty good. The headaches are a bit much, but what can I do? I just deal with it!

I am getting larger. A bit annoyed with myself for not being able to lose weight BEFORE getting knockered up, as I have cheated myself out being able to really watch my belly grow. I do not look pregnant, which makes me very sad. *sigh*

Last night as I was sitting on the couch, this baby started doing somersaults or something. It was wild...I watched the hump form in the center of my abdomen, and then it evened out again. It did this a few times, and was the oddest feeling. Odd, yet exciting. :O)

This whole thing is still so surreal to me. I am going to be someones Mom..good LORD, help me. LOL!!

Our next ultrasound is the 29th. As for my 3 hour sugar test, I am holding off, because they are going to make me do it again later on. I KNOW I have a sugar problem, which is why I don't eat it. The 3 hour is guaranteed to give me a major sugar crash, in which I will get a nasty headache, I will get sickly feeling, and I do not like driving like that. So, as long as the u/s does not show any warning signs, I am going to wait until they normally do it. I am following a diabetic diet as it is (with the occasional pizza or ice cream, but I seriously limit it), and I have only gained ONE pound. ONE. (Lets not forget that I lost 10 by the beginning of my second trimester..) I am extremely pleased at that.

And well, that is about it!

Friday, March 10, 2006

Week 17

I come here and read my own words, and I sit here in disbelief that this is MY pregnancy journal.

I am not quite sure why I can't wrap my head around it all. I have always liked kids, and to be honest I never saw myself with any. I am too selfish and not above admitting that.

However, after Todd and I got married, something was missing. And this is that something. He never wanted kids either. And now, both of us are in such awe over the whole thing that it sometimes seems to border the unbelievable.

My bump is getting larger, wider...its like I have a football in there. My abdomen is much harder, and I am VERY aware of it now. There have been times where the baby has moved from one side of my ute to the other, and it is an odd sensation. There have been times where I thought I felt other movement, but to be honest I am just not sure if it was the baby or not.

Last night, while watching some Eddie Izzard and just about peeing my pants, I felt it. There is NO doubt as to what it was this time. And I was floored.


We got some packages in the mail today, one from our friend Stacey, and one from my Nana R. She is a family friend that I hold dear, and even though we are of no relation, I have always referred to her as my Nana. She called me the other day wanting to know how her great-grandbaby is doing... awww. It made my day to hear from her.

I will post pics of the baby loot tomorrow!

**Note to self**
Get thank you cards tomorrow!! DO NOT SLACK ON THE THANK YOU CARDS.

Monday, March 06, 2006


*insert Fred Flintstone-type cursing here*

I failed the glucose test. Next stop - 3 hour test. That I BETTER pass, dammit.

I can feel the baby move regularly now. I sometimes feel flutters, but it is usually moving from one side to the other. My bump moves from side to side. It is sorta cute. :O)

Belly pic - week 17. I was laying down. I had been taking a nap, and I dreamt that I went the whole pregnancy with no belly pics because I am overweight. It made me get over myself. I reached up and grabbed my camera and snapped a pic..

Sorry about the was dark so the flash went off and I had the camera pretty close!!

I have a bump!!

I still cannot believe there is a baby in there..hah.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Week 16

I had another Doc appointment today. They wanted me to have an early glucose test. Do they make that stuff in any flavor other than orange? Gross.

I also had the AFP screening done today as well. I have not gained any weight, and the Doc said that is good, that she really only wants me to gain 'baby' weight and not weight weight...which was my plan anyway.

She then broke out the doppler, and of course could not get the heartbeat. After I had my blood drawn for the glucose test, they whisked me into the room for another ultrasound. weee!

I was floored at how much bigger it was. I CLEARLY saw feet and hands today, and leg bones and arm bones and the spine, and the little baby butt...then I saw it. OR what I thought was IT.

Me: Um, that is NOT a penis, is it??
Her: HAHAA! Lord no, thats the umbilical cord!!
Me: Whew!! Thank God! I don't think I would be able to give birth otherwise!!

We had a good chuckle, then she told me that knowing gender today was just not to be, as the umbilical cord was in the way and the baby was all scrunched up... I was a tad disappointed, but just happy to see the baby moving around and looking like, well, a baby!!

The heartbeat was good and strong at 152 bpm. It was moving around a bit, but nothing like the last time. I hate referring to it as IT. Argh. I have another ultrasound on 3/29. Hopefully we can determine gender at that time. I STILL think its a girl, so does hubby. We shall see.

I hope I pass the glucose test. I SHOULD, but who knows.

I am really liking my doctors and the staff. They are really great. My friend Heather referred me to them and I am glad that I went with them.

And now...behold the spawn....

For those that see nothing when they look at these, that is the head and face on the right there, and the baby has its arm up over its head...and uh..that is the body just below the head (duh!!) !

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