Friday, March 31, 2006


Ponderings ....


I have been reading a few blogs that are written by women who are undergoing various stages of treatments, to try to conceive. It is heartbreaking...

I have been pregnant several times, and miscarried each time. Getting pregnant did not seem to be the issue for me, it was staying that way that was the problem. The first few times I got pregnant, I was on the pill. I did not know I was pregnant, and the miscarriages, once they had occured, did not surprise me. However, it WAS a shock to look back and know that I was pregnant, and had no idea. Todd and I did not want children. I always thought myself to be FAR too selfish to ever have kids. I like to get up and go whenever I want. I like to sleep in if I want to. I like it that I do not have to drag a kid around everywhere with me, or find a babysitter before I can go and do something. I liked the thought of not having that kind of responsibility, because lets face it, if you have children, you have the single most BIGGEST responsiblity you will ever have. The thought of being responsible for another human being scared the hell out of me.

Every one always told me how natural I seemed around kids, how at ease I was. Well, I love the little buggers to be honest, as long as they belonged to someone else!! I LOVE babies, and I love the innocence of young children. I love getting down and icky in mud pies, or dressing up Barbie for her big date. I LOVE the imagination of children, and the world of 'Let's Pretend!', I still have coloring books and crayons, for craps sake!! (** note to self ** FIND said coloring books and crayons!!)

Anyway, I am getting off track... When Todd and I got married, we started to feel like something was missing. We started talking about MAYBE having kids. I mean, we are not getting any younger, you know? Well, for the first time ever, I became aware of my ol' biological clock. That sucker wasn't just ringing, it was screaming at me to get moving. I promptly went off the pill, and made an appointment with my OB. I NEEDED to get some of this weight off FIRST. I had been eating right and exercising for quite some time and was not losing anything. She ran some bloodwork, and diagnosed me with PCOS. My hormones were all out of whack and my thyroid was not functioning right. I needed to go on meds. Ok fine. These meds were supposed to kick start my parts that were not playing nice and enable me to lose weight. Great!

Now, this was all new to me. I had never even heard of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), and it struck me with immediate fear that after all these years of NOT wanting kids, now that I really wanted one, I would not be able to have any....

What an awful, awful feeling.

I learned as much as I could about PCOS, and learned that I was one of the lucky ones, as my PCOS was very mild. My OB did not see any reason why I would not be able to get pregnant in the future. Whew! GREAT!

Not so much. The pills she put me on made me violently ill. I had to stop taking them. So we discussed pregnancy while being overweight. While she did not recommend it, fat people have babies all the time. She said we would just have to be careful, I would be closely monitored and I would have to limit my weight gain. Fine.)

So, fast forward almost 2 years and 3 miscarriages later...(one year of NO pregnancies at all, and then 3 m/cs in one year)

Those miscarriages cut deep. I wondered what I was doing wrong. I wondered if this is just how it was going to be. I started seeing a fertility doctor. I wanted to know what was wrong. He told me, based on some simple bloodwork, that I was not ovulating, hence no pregnancies. He then talked of all these things that I knew nothing about and it was all quite, well, scary....

I had a lot of bloodwork done. I do not like seeing that much blood, OUTSIDE of my body, thankyouverymuch. They took 10 vials at one sitting. Oy. TEN. !!
At my last appointment, he told me that I had to come in for more bloodwork two more times. Once when I had my period and once when I did not have my period, then we would schedule an HSG test, and go from there. He talked about doing Clomid..and everything after that I did not really hear.

I was going down a road that I had said I would never go down. I had said to myself many times that if I could not get pregnant and stay pregnant on my own, then that would be it. I would not go through all this other stuff. I think most of it was just a fear of the unknown. I still, to this day, do not know much about infertility treatments. I would have learned as much as I could, had I not gotten pregnant, on my own, RIGHT before my HSG test was scheduled.

Upon reading some of the stories that these women have to share, I realize that I am not just one of the lucky ones. It goes way, WAY beyond that.

I am not that strong. Not like some of these gals. There is no way I could have gone through what they are going through. At least I don't think I could have. And it isn't for lack of wanting a child either. That is just one emotional rollercoaster that I am not sure I would survive. I think it takes a special kind of person to go through all of that.

My heart aches for these women. And it makes me appreciate this pregnancy all that much more. Headaches, being sick, and 'roids are such a small price to pay.

If we do indeed go on to something more after this life, these women, they are in for something big. They have to be...it takes a special soul to endure what they endure.

*sigh*

I am going to do my best to never EVER take this child for granted. Now that I know she is a she, and when I talk to her, I can call her by her name, it is even more overwhelming...Todd says goodnight to Maya every night, while rubbing my belly...and I want to explode. The love I already feel for her is much more than I ever thought it could be...

Comments:
I am so so happy for you two... you deserve all this happiness that you are feeling...
 
I have read some journals too of women having difficulty conceiving, IVF, etc. It's amazing what some couples have to go through.

You's are going to be great parents and I'm so happy for you both. :)
 
You both are already amazing parents!
 
and this is just the beginning girl. you will be AMAZED at how much more you'll love her the first time you lay eyes on her.
it's goes way beyond what you can explain in words.
 
In my family there is a saying that has been handed down by the grandparents following the birth of each new parent's first baby: "Now you know what love is." So true. :)
 
I'm actually part of one of those couples, though I chose not to blog about it for privacy reasons. It is amazing how grateful it makes you for your child.
 
It was such a shock to us to get pregnant on our own after so many years of treatment and failure - and we quit before it was time to proceed to IVF after Clomid. And then...to get pregnant again so quickly out of the blue with the second... I totally know what you mean by this entry. (And btw, I got pregnant with N while waiting on the bloodwork to schedule my third HSG.) I was only half there though. I can't imagine the pain and uncertainty of all of it combined.

You're going to make great parents and I, for one, can't wait to watch that transformation!
 
You deserve to be happy and I know as well as you that you will be a terrific mommy.

I also found out about 3 years ago that I had PCOS, although also very mild. A small cyst (about 2-3cm) on my ovary that they refuse to touch, just keep an eye on. Apparantly it has not caused me to NOT become pregnant but it does now and again cause pain, especially if I do not stay on the pill.
 
my cousin had IVF babies. Twins. She went through so much...
 
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