Wednesday, August 02, 2006

For Maya

I always saw myself getting married, owning a home, and having children. Then I got married. And deep down inside I knew it was all wrong. My outlook on having children changed drastically. There was even a point where I DID get pregnant (despite all efforts to AVOID that!), and when I miscarried, it did not phase me in the least. That made me feel like a very bad person. But even now, looking back on it all, I am still SO glad it worked out the way it did. Because that marriage WAS all wrong, and I cannot imagine myself being tied to that person and his awful family for the rest of my life. I cannot imagine what that whole situation would have done to a child. What a nightmare...ugh.

So then, I meet your Dad. He was in the same situation, with the whole bad marriage and all. He too, never wanted children. After being together for a few years, getting married and buying the house, things changed. I remember that morning like it was yesterday. We were sitting out on the patio as the sun was coming up. We were having a long discussion over our coffee about how good life was for us. We have each other, we have a good family support system, we have good friends. We were just taking an inventory of our lives, and realizing that something was missing.

That something was you.

Your Dad looked at me and said "Maybe we ought to consider starting a family..."
It was as simple as that. My heart smiled, and I knew at that very moment just how much I wanted you.

We started trying right away, as my Dad, your Poppy, was very sick. He and I were extremely close and it was very very important to me that you two know each other.
The powers-that-be had other plans though, as we did not conceive you until 5 months after he passed on.

I like to think that you had some time with him before you came to us. I have had dreams where I see him holding a baby, talking to it, loving it, and I assume it is you. They say you cannot dream in color, yet I clearly remember the baby he is holding is wrapped up in a fuzzy pink blanket.

And even though you come to us long after he has gone, your timing was still impeccable.

I was having a very difficult time in dealing with my Dad dying. I was drinking heavily, and really not facing reality very well. I was out of a job, and I was beginning to wonder if I had an actual drinking problem, as I could not seem to put the stuff down. I was drinking a LOT. As in getting hammered just about every night. It was the only time the pain in my heart was dulled. I KNEW that in the morning when I woke up, the pain and the reality of it all would still be there. Yet I continued to drink heavily.

The moment I assumed that I just MAY be pregnant, I put the bottle down and haven't looked back. And for that I thank you, because that was a bad road that I was on.
I am sure that I still put a lot of stress on you, because for a long time I cried myself to sleep at night, thinking about how your Poppy and your Uncle Mark would never get to do the things that they would have wanted to do with you. I would sob uncontrollably. I never knew I could cry like that.

The tears still come when I think about them, but I have a bit more control now over how upset I allow myself to get. Besides, I can see them both cringe when I lose my shit, so I try hard not to do that anymore.

I try to focus on all of the positives. Your Grammy and MeMaw already love you beyond words, as does your Papa. And as for your Daddy and I, well, you already leave us speechless and in awe. Our friends and extended family all anxiously await your arrival. They were very giving at the baby shower, and saw to it that we have everything we could possibly need for you. You will have a great start, with lots of love, lots of snuggling..lots of everything! We really cannot wait to meet you, Maya Noel. Our love for you surpasses anything we ever considered, or dreamt about.

Just do Mommy ONE leeeetle favor?? Please come before the start of the NFLs PreSeason, mmk? *winks*

that was sweet - she'll be so proud of you and her life!

now, come ON already!! :)
That was sweet... but you forgot her boyfriends that are waiting for her to get here...

We are counting the days down..
Awww, very sweet.

Now come on Maya, we're all waiting to see you!
beautiful! cant wait for maya to meet her sweet mommy!!!
What a beautiful letter to your daughter. I hope that one is a keeper! Don't know when the NFL preseason starts, but I hope she arrives before then. My hubby is soccer mad, so as long as this one doesn't arrive on a Saturday morning I am set.
OMG - it's almost time. Your little thingy up there says eight days. EIGHT!
C'monnnnn little Maya!
cheese and rice procrastinatin' little shit ain't she?
Oh my goodness, that was the sweetest post ever! Thank you for making me cry at work! It could be my emotions, but truly that was simply a beautiful outpour of emotions from you to your daughter. All the best...
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