Saturday, July 22, 2006


I woke up this morning REALLY depressed. I just want to cry.
AS soon as we found out we were pregnant, my husband went looloo...he bought me a new truck,so that the baby and I would have all the room we need (I had an Eclipse...). Then he decided it was time to get that new kitchen we wanted. From there it went on to the new bathroom we needed. Next up was new flooring, not just in the babys room, but the whole house. After that it was "Well, might as well paint the interior!"

I am greatful for all that we have done to the house. And the above is not really a complaint. I am glad that he wants this place to be nice for me and Maya.

I am getting closer to my due date. I know that it could still be weeks before she arrives. I also know that it could be tomorrow, yah know? And I just want some time with him. I want his undivided attention on ME. I am starved for it actually.

Since he was diagnosed with bipolar, it is almost like I don't exist. At least that is how I feel. I spend all my time making sure everything is just so for him. I make sure that he goes to bed and gets up at the same time every day, I make sure that he takes his meds and that he is eating right. One of the meds hes on makes him dopey and sleepy by the end of the day. Actually, he is over medicated, but there really does not seem to be much that we can do about it because he has so much wrong with him...I see to it that he gets to bed without injuring himself... (yes, it is that bad..)

So, when he jumped out of bed at 6 am this morning, and I didnt even get so much as a 'good morning', no kiss, no nothing, I got a bit miffed yah know? He decided he had to get up to start replacing all of the switches and outlets in the house, as well as all of the AC vents...

It is exhausting. I just can't keep up any more. And I don't know how I am going to do it once Maya is here.

He got mad at me when he asked me what was wrong and I told him that I really needed some time with him, his attention on me. He got mad and asked me who in the hell I thought he was doing all of this for...?

I guess for as much as I don't want to be ungreatful, I really am...

This is going to sound sooo lame, but all I really want or need, is a fucking hug...
I have to ASK him for hugs and kisses, because hes going a thousand miles an hour all of the time and I just seem to be in his way.



i know where your coming from. put your feet and watch him whiz around. everyone deals with stress differently. you both have a lot on your minds(shoulders).
I think your house has been the one thing in his mind that he has control over -- that he can "fix". It's what he does best and he can just focus on that to get him through. Like he can't control when Maya is born. When you go into labor. What life is going to be like when she gets here. And in his state right now, it seems like he's trying to create perfection and stability for the three of you when his mind and everything swirling around you guys is anything but in regards to everything other than your house. Does that make sense?

I know it doesn't make anything easier on you and reading all this just breaks my heart.

Is there any way you can afford to hop on or a discount travel site and get a night's hotel room down by the beach, or by Davis Island or something? (I've been able to get rooms at the Hilton on Redington beach for under $40/night on Priceline before.) So you'll still be close to the hospital if you need it -- but it would be one last getaway for the two of you before she gets here. And if he's not at the house, he'll have to focus on you...?
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